To renounce doubt

by Arran James

What is your name?
Nameless wildness
– Heinrich Suso of Cologne (Brethren of the Free Spirit)

the visitors come in
and there is a lot of talk
about what x. did or didn’t do
and whether lunch was good
the nurses treat you right
and smiles and voices
you wouldn’t speak to a child in
and
there is so much love in those
moments
love or some dutiful shadow
that apes the original so well
you can’t see the stitches
holding it together and i feel
like
an idiot
when my eyes are saying something
that my mouth is too afraid to speak
what if i’m wrong again
as i’ve been wrong before
i’ve done awful things before now
as you say you have
are we here for the long-stay
or merely visiting
I want to get lost in the uncharted
forests of your being and make a fire
in the clearing
to be at home in the wilderness
and speak the language
of those giant Sequoia
trees
and one day i will be x.
and one day x. will be me
its the same
either way

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